I spent most of my twenties unable to comfortably sit on friends’ couches for fear of contamination. In addition to endlessly obsessing about finding the right partner, I fretted constantly about cleanliness. This may have been the biggest mistake of my adult life. For almost my entire twenties, I had been resisting meds because I was convinced I could “therapize” myself. Within days, I had returned to a psychiatrist’s office for the first time in seven years and was back on medication for the first time since I was 21. My mother flew out to California the next day for a “light suicide watch.” I’ve never tried to kill myself, but that’s due to familial obligation more than a lack of desire, so she probably figured it was better to be safe than sorry. The night he left me I cried uncontrollably and announced/screamed my desire to no longer live. It was the hair that broke my brain’s back, if you will. Part of the problem was that I hadn’t been taking care of my mental health as a result I lost my then boyfriend and any ability to function happily. Romantic relationships have always been my biggest trigger, and this one knocked me out. One year before what I now refer to as the “Post-it incident,” I went through a devastating break-up. I had spent so many years trying to change myself on the inside that it was exhausting to now feel pressure to do the same on the outside.Ī little more context. ![]() It’s especially hard when your appearance is tied to your career, and complete strangers feel the need to comment on any noticeable change. But like most of us, I grew up in a society where skinny = pretty, and this is a hard notion to shake. Please note: Being overweight is, of course, not inherently unattractive. But it felt a hell of a lot better than wanting to die. It was also impossible to ignore Instagram comments like “What happened to Allison” and “Damn, she really let herself go.” It did not feel good to feel unattractive. Many of the viewers on my YouTube channel had pointed it out. I’m not oblivious I knew I had gained weight. That day in the office, after my dad made me get on a scale, I weighed over 140, which is a significant difference on my 5’3” frame. Before I went on Zoloft last year, I was around 120 pounds. Gaining excess weight as a medical side effect is not fun. So Dad intervened in his own special way and urged me to change medications. Now, almost 17 years later, my family is well aware. At the time, no one had realized my chunkiness was a medical side effect. But the moment I got off Paxil, the pounds floated away and I was suddenly skinny. I spent four rather formative years (8–12) thinking I had a bad metabolism and would spend my life overweight. Sometimes these effects aren’t immediately obvious. These vary from sweatiness to sleepiness to-you guessed it-weight gain. But it felt a hell of a lot better than wanting to die.Īlthough the medications have changed throughout the years, the one unfortunate constant is the side effects. It did not feel good to feel unattractive. (“Managed” being the operative word-not to be mistaken for “flourished” or “excelled.”) There have been times where I’ve needed medication and times when I’ve managed without. I’ve had moderate to severe OCD pretty much my entire life, along with ever-present anxiety and bursts of depression. I have been on and off antidepressants since I was four years old. After a moment of deciphering, I managed to make out “125 to 135.” He announced that this was the healthy weight for my age and height and that he was pretty sure I was over it.īefore everyone starts hating on my dad for body shaming me in my family home, let me provide a little more context. ![]() I was feeling especially accomplished, and just as I was getting up to celebrate my responsibleness with my parents’ rescue dog, my dad announced there was “one more thing.” He handed me a Post-it with illegible scrawl on it and asked me to read the note aloud. I was home for Passover, sitting in my parents’ office-whenever I come back to New York, I always sneak in some financial guidance from my father.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |